Ok so that isn't technically true. I guess I could purge my guts to the board-again. But I don't want to. I'm tired of dragging my guts out for everyone to see. I appreciate the support I've gotten so much but I need to vent in a place where you can either choose to read it or not. Not everyone knows about my blog anyhow.
This is eating away at me like nothing I have ever experienced. I have literally been sobbing for 2 days now. So much so that my eyes are just about swollen shut. My husband actually took pity on me and brought me home dinner and a special dessert. This is huge coming from someone who can't understand how online friends are, in fact, actual friends.
I feel like I broke up with my first boyfriend, you know that awful feeling that nothing will ever be right? For example, I'm moving home to CA and I'm wondering how I'm going to do that without Tarina. As if she was going to be here packing or something. I know, I'm insane.
I'm checking my inbox like crazy and running like a madwoman to my cell each time it rings, thinking FOR SURE this time it will be her saying she can't do this either.
But it's not. I keep thinking that maybe the best thing about this for her is the love of a friend, sometimes its just enough to know it's there. Even if she didn't earn it, or want it or need it. There it is, no matter how bad it gets. She wants me to go, so I will let her be... No matter how much I want to pick up the phone. I won't. But she is killing me. This is killing me. But she doesn't want me to care right now. Maybe she never will again. Maybe she'll call me tomorrow. She's stronger then that though. Anyhow who can flat out tell someone they are close to that they don't want their friendship isn't going to be fazed by my outpouring of grief. She's changed her IM, I fully expect her to boot me off her friends list & make it private, and then change her email. She probably will never even see this.
I hope she doesn't. This morning I wanted her to just fucking notice. I wanted her to feel bad that she is doing this. I know she said she did in her blog but it wasn't enough. Now I am back to just the worst sadness, but I don't want to share it with her. I want her to be happy. I want her to not look back if that's what she wants. I want her to feel like she tied up every loose end she could and move on. Because this is what she wants.
This is eating away at me like nothing I have ever experienced. I have literally been sobbing for 2 days now. So much so that my eyes are just about swollen shut. My husband actually took pity on me and brought me home dinner and a special dessert. This is huge coming from someone who can't understand how online friends are, in fact, actual friends.
I feel like I broke up with my first boyfriend, you know that awful feeling that nothing will ever be right? For example, I'm moving home to CA and I'm wondering how I'm going to do that without Tarina. As if she was going to be here packing or something. I know, I'm insane.
I'm checking my inbox like crazy and running like a madwoman to my cell each time it rings, thinking FOR SURE this time it will be her saying she can't do this either.
But it's not. I keep thinking that maybe the best thing about this for her is the love of a friend, sometimes its just enough to know it's there. Even if she didn't earn it, or want it or need it. There it is, no matter how bad it gets. She wants me to go, so I will let her be... No matter how much I want to pick up the phone. I won't. But she is killing me. This is killing me. But she doesn't want me to care right now. Maybe she never will again. Maybe she'll call me tomorrow. She's stronger then that though. Anyhow who can flat out tell someone they are close to that they don't want their friendship isn't going to be fazed by my outpouring of grief. She's changed her IM, I fully expect her to boot me off her friends list & make it private, and then change her email. She probably will never even see this.
I hope she doesn't. This morning I wanted her to just fucking notice. I wanted her to feel bad that she is doing this. I know she said she did in her blog but it wasn't enough. Now I am back to just the worst sadness, but I don't want to share it with her. I want her to be happy. I want her to not look back if that's what she wants. I want her to feel like she tied up every loose end she could and move on. Because this is what she wants.
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