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So annoyed

OMG I get SO pissed at people who make statements like the one made on the Garden WRT the computer and our MM's. Excuse me, but first of all, I don't recall anyone asking for your OPINION on MM's using the computer and second of all... WTF do you think you are? Neither one of my kids are bumps on a log and they have both used the computer at a young age. I suppose if you park them in front of the monitor all day its no better then the T.V. but come on. Who is doing that? Not me. I use it as a tool in addition to reading books and coloring and all the other stuff I work my ass off to squeeze into my very busy day.

I also love how a woman with one child feels justified in telling me, someone who has FOUR kids, from 7 to 10 months, during the week what I should not be doing. WTF ever. Walk a day in my shoes and tell me again what I'm doing wrong.

So :op Take that. How ya like me now?

LMAO Sorry to rant, but ugh that really made me mad.

Jubilation!!

My new Hyena Cart store is up and doing well! I'm so very excited by my newfound craft. :o) Sewing is so much fun.

Anyhow, I am doing better. Thanks to everyone who has been a source of comfort and support these past weeks, it's a rocky road but we'll get to the end! Together. :)

So that's it. Just wanted to share my happiness with my new project. I have things to sew, gotta go!!

Here I am

I wanna have the same last dream again,
the one where I wake up and I'm alive.
Just as the four walls close me within,
my eyes are opened up with pure sunlight.

my dearest friends,
even if your hope has burned with time,
anything that's dead shall be re-grown,
and your vicious pain, your warning sign,
you will be fine.

Any type of love - it will be shown,
like every single tree reach for the sky.
If you're gonna fall,
I'll let you know,
that I will pick you up
like you for I,
I felt this thing,
I can't replace.

Call me and explain

Was that supposed to help? It didn't. You are wrong about so many things, including me. I know that doesn't happen to you often, but it is right now. A friend doesn't just stop being a friend because you make a decision that doesn't sit well. At least I wouldn't have. The only reason I'm doing it now is because my heart can't take the attacks. You will find out later that you are wrong, of that I'm sure. By that time it will probably be too late to repair. Maybe not, I guess we will cross that bridge if we ever come to it.

It's not healthy? For who? You or me? Because my God, please tell me what about the entire situation is healthy? Driving out the people you care about and who care about you is whats not healthy. It doesn't have to be like this. It just doesn't. If you cared enough you would have made it work, like I was trying to do.

You're right about one thing. I don't agree with your choice, I told you before I just don't want you to do something that has huge ramifications that you could regret one. You can never take this back my friend, and any damage that it does will be hard as hell for you to repair. One day you will have to answer her questions and I hope you have something better to say to her then you did to me.

I miss you already. I sent you a Mother's Day card a few weeks ago that you'll get tomorrow. Obviously disregard the mush mush'ing and "call me" But don't ignore the part about how much I love you and want the best for you. I mean that still.

I have nowhere else to go

Ok so that isn't technically true. I guess I could purge my guts to the board-again. But I don't want to. I'm tired of dragging my guts out for everyone to see. I appreciate the support I've gotten so much but I need to vent in a place where you can either choose to read it or not. Not everyone knows about my blog anyhow.

This is eating away at me like nothing I have ever experienced. I have literally been sobbing for 2 days now. So much so that my eyes are just about swollen shut. My husband actually took pity on me and brought me home dinner and a special dessert. This is huge coming from someone who can't understand how online friends are, in fact, actual friends.

I feel like I broke up with my first boyfriend, you know that awful feeling that nothing will ever be right? For example, I'm moving home to CA and I'm wondering how I'm going to do that without Tarina. As if she was going to be here packing or something. I know, I'm insane.

I'm checking my inbox like crazy and running like a madwoman to my cell each time it rings, thinking FOR SURE this time it will be her saying she can't do this either.

But it's not. I keep thinking that maybe the best thing about this for her is the love of a friend, sometimes its just enough to know it's there. Even if she didn't earn it, or want it or need it. There it is, no matter how bad it gets. She wants me to go, so I will let her be... No matter how much I want to pick up the phone. I won't. But she is killing me. This is killing me. But she doesn't want me to care right now. Maybe she never will again. Maybe she'll call me tomorrow. She's stronger then that though. Anyhow who can flat out tell someone they are close to that they don't want their friendship isn't going to be fazed by my outpouring of grief. She's changed her IM, I fully expect her to boot me off her friends list & make it private, and then change her email. She probably will never even see this.

I hope she doesn't. This morning I wanted her to just fucking notice. I wanted her to feel bad that she is doing this. I know she said she did in her blog but it wasn't enough. Now I am back to just the worst sadness, but I don't want to share it with her. I want her to be happy. I want her to not look back if that's what she wants. I want her to feel like she tied up every loose end she could and move on. Because this is what she wants.

What I've Done

See what I've done in bold type.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it (everyday for the rest of my life)
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea (from the beach)
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise (LOTS!)
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper (Everyday!!)
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger.
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice (does the Venetian in Vegas count? LOL)
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children/currently raising child
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild (that was fun)
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head (don't ask)
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life. (my own)